Will I marry me?

It’s a Saturday afternoon. Another week has passed of which I question if I’ve made progress toward something or felt it was productive. Lately I’ve felt like there’s always a lot on my plate. Yet nothing. What am I currently doing?, people would ask. What are my goals? What direction am I going? What am I looking for?

I have picked up some thoughts and deep questions along the way though that’s been playing with my emotions and mentality. One is that my self-worth is measured in dollars. The second is: What am I running away from? I decide to let these thoughts hang in the air like clouds, so that when I meditate it’s simple to imagine them being whisked away and I can focus on breathing. Just now as I was making & eating my sandwich I felt like watching a TedX video and happened to randomly pick one called ‘The person you really need to marry’, by Tracy McMillan. (Normally I have a habit of mindful eating where I devote all my attention to the meal I’m having; It’s so much more satisfying but today I wanted to have a voice to listen to). I didn’t expect this video to speak to me in any way but I did catch some valuable insights and questions for myself.

The places where you have your BIGGEST CHALLENGES are where you have the MOST TO GIVE.

Think about it. Perhaps it’s true for me right now. I admit I put myself in a lot of stress unnecessarily, but it’s the only way I feel like I can grow.

Life doesn’t give you what you ask for. It gives you the PEOPLE, PLACES, and SITUATIONS that allow you to develop what you ask for. If you don’t get it right the first time, life will give it to you again.

We’re going to get things wrong a lot of times. Probably more than when we get it right. But that doesn’t mean getting it wrong has to be an unhappy time. It’s gonna suck but at least we get a greater understanding of what it is we’re trying to get right. And when it does feel right, it probably wasn’t the same thing we were asking for in the first place.

When you marry yourself, all else will fall into place. Social life, family, friends, career, aspirations.. 

I never thought about ‘marrying myself’. But I actually agree with it. I’ve been unhappy with myself for a long time and I’ll admit that right now, I wouldn’t want to marry me. I don’t like my attitude, I don’t like my job outlook, I don’t like how I feel, and I don’t like my social life. How can I learn to marry into any other commitment if I don’t first commit to marry myself? 

Like Tracy had, I’m going through life feeling a sense of ‘lack’. Like I’m always missing something. Perhaps this is what I’m running away from. This feeling of being unappreciated, worthless and hopeless, of being devalued, of not being recognised for the value I can contribute to someone else’s life. I don’t feel whole and I certainly don’t feel like I’m having fun. And so all these avenues I try to press myself with – find the right job with the right pay, moving overseas, moving out, doing a work exchange, trying for career directions I failed with before, finding new friends, etc – maybe they’re just ways to fill that void.

Also like Tracy, I’ve learned that I’m someone I can count on. To face whatever challenges life throws at me, to battle times of darkness and practice good judgement. I get frustrated when decisions aren’t made and I lose time I can never get back. But I trust I’ll make decisions at the right time.

And so I should learn to marry myself as Tracy has. We all should marry ourselves. A lot of us probably already are married to ourselves without being conscious of it. And they’re the ones who are living life happily. I’m not ready to marry myself, because like I said before I wouldn’t want to haha. But I kind of have to because well, I’m stuck with me for life. And so here are my vows.I agree to marry myself:

For richer and for poorer 

(mostly for poorer, why wouldn’t you want to marry into cash? :P) – no matter if I have $1000 or $10 in my bank account I’m going to stay with me.

For better and for worse

I’ll take advantage of the positive days when I can. But when shit hits the fan and I feel like I’m in a hole, I’ve got no one to take me out of it but myself. I’ll make good decisions and bad decisions, but none of them will be mistakes or regrets because I’ve learned from them.

In sickness and in health

I love feeling healthy and free. And I won’t be angry or hate myself for being otherwise.

And finally,

To have and to hold

I will be kind to myself and treat myself the way I want others to treat me. I’ll nurture my mind and be careful with my body.

 

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